Celebrating Failure
“You CAN’T fail. It’s simply not possible.” Have you ever been told those words from a well-intending loved one? Words that come from a place of support and championing? Aren’t they wonderful?
What they are saying is: “only losers fail and you’re not a loser so, so failing’s not possible”. What they MEAN is: “I believe in you”. Bless ‘em.
Lately, I’m wondering about our relationship with failing.
Failing is soooooooooo bad. Shameful. Reprehensible, even. It makes people pity you.
I’d like to try to unpack this, if I may.
First off, what’s up with that faulty logic that failing at something makes you a failure? I have conquered the art of making a subtle yet sumptuous lobster bisque but this doesn’t make me Jacques Pépin. Sure, serving it makes me feel like a culinary rock star, but it’s fleeting. Same with failing. I am imperfect and when I fail, I get to choose how long I dwell in that place of licking my wounds. It doesn’t need to define me.
And oh yes, I have failed.
Secondly, I think it’s time we called failure out for what it really can be: a killer. Of dreams, good ideas and grand plans. It stops us from launching because we let it. Because the possibility of the shame is too great to bear.
And here’s what I am learning about failure:
Failure is the fastest way to learn.
I love the toddler-learning-to-walk analogy I learned in coach training. Ever watched watched one try? They don’t take courses, buy e-books or consult anyone. They wobble, flail, fall and get back up. Wobble, flail, fall and get up. Time and time again. Sure, they’re frustrated some, but that does little to dampen their enthusiasm for the process.
So falling down helps you to learn to get back up. This time, more steadily.
Failure opens doors
Some failures we can be grateful for because they have lead us down a new and unexpected path.
You know in your own life, that when one door closes, another one opens. I’m living in this one right now and arms are wide open to what’s coming.
There are two ways to fail:
1. Not going far enough and missing the opportunity. THIS is the sucky way to fail. I failed a Symbolic Logic course in University (this may come as no surprise to you if you’ve ever felt dizzy from trying to follow my circular logic). Why did I fail? Simple. I made other things more important, like smooching (a lot) and drinking (a lot) and wracking up (a lot) of shopping debt. Ahhh, the good ol’ days.
Given that I put no work into the course, I wasn’t surprised that I failed (I believe I called it “not passing”) but I still felt horrified. I remember calling my mother and she graciously offered that for what it’s worth, she still loved me and that I could still become a great Environmental Lawyer if that’s what I still wanted to do (I didn’t).
What she meant was: “I believe in you”.
2. Giving it your all and it just not clicking. THIS is the hero’s way to fail. I continue to be with Teddy R. on this one:
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.
“Citizenship in a Republic,”
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910
Yeah. THAT’S how I choose to fail from now on.
And I believe that’s how you choose to fail too. Because, I believe in you. And I believe that you have the temerity and the resolve to go the distance and fail gloriously and spectacularly and learn lots and be open to what comes up for you. I believe all of that, and more.
So when you fail, come back to me and we’ll pop open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot to celebrate. Being brave enough to go to your edge deserves nothing less.
MMMmmmmm…never have had your lobster bisque! Sounds good with the Veuve Clicquot!
The character trait our school is focussing on “Perseverence” this month, and I just heard a quote this morning:
“I have failed many times over and over, which is why I am successful now”. I may have messed up a few of the words, but you get the gist of it. Powerful, eh? And so true, just like what you said, about falling down and getting back up again. I remember Mom’s words of encouragement- I really miss them too….
Great post T!
“Perseverance”…yes, yes, I like that too. And I also believe, FIRMLY, that there is a time to walk away. I’ve quoted Seth Godin on this lots of times here (posts: And Launch, and The Dastardly Dip), and I maintain that if what you’re doing is really not working (say with your values, or it feels like something that you SHOULD be doing, like staying in a job that makes you miserable, for instance) the GET THE HECK OUT! No boy scout badges for honour there.
You will be my guest of honour the next time we make lobster bisque. I promise.
Wow to synchronicity. I was laid off yesterday, and it is proving to be a challenge to reframe the “failure” but this post is helping me to bypass the lows of self-pity. Thank you!
E
The rug getting pulled out from under you is horrific, almost violent. Please take time to rest and nurture…that way you’ll find the strength you need to make this the best damned thing that ever happened.
Love and healing to you, Erin.
I’ve always heard, you can’t succeed or learn without failure. If you don’t make mistakes you can’t learn from them so you’d always be a novice.
Indeed…and being a novice (consciously incompetent) is very rarely where we wish to dwell. Thanks for coming by!
I love this post. Mostly because it really grates when (well intentioned) yogi(ni) instructors announce or inform me ‘that NO pose is impossible!’…. and proceed to correct or ‘assure’ me that I shouldn’t view yoga that way.
But I have always found that unrealistic expectations are equally damaging as no expectations. I need acceptance, and to accept that even though I may practice every single day of my life, there are many many physical postures that I will never accomplish.
And that is ok.
I sometimes think that other people’s expectations, be they unrealistic or insultingly non-existent, are often the fuel of our personal saboteurs. Finding a way to still the voices and being ok with our own expectations…that’s where the honey’s at.
Sounds like you’re right where you want to be…and that is blissful to hear.
XO
My goodness. Symbolic logic. You almost inspired to fondle my copy of Kleene’s Introduction to Metamathematics.
Almost.
I decided to make a grocery run instead.
If Dave has empty cupboards AND enjoys Fudgee-os AND Dave makes a grocery run and Fudgee-os are on sale.
Then every time Dave’s cupboards are empty, Fudgee-os are on sale.
Told you I failed SL.
Love this. There are nuances within your categories, I think, too – sometimes I fail because I’m sure I will and therefore I DON’T try hard enough … who knows what would happen if I did. It’s as though I’m somehow afraid to succeed? Or, afraid to fail without having the subconscious excuse that I didn’t give it my all? Or, failing at relationships, when we really DO give it everything we have, but still, somehow, we just fail …
Anyway, I’d love to join you for a glass of champs. Sounds good right about now!
It is my firm belief that “fear of success” is every single bit as real as fear of failure. And it’s the stomping ground of our gremlins/saboteurs that don’t like change (particularly of the “who do you think you are” varietal). And yes, the “not giving it my all” leaves the door open for trying again another day. To which I always wonder…is today the day to walk through that door? Fully? (just got shivers)
We can book a champers-chat. It may be time.
Bluddy Rites! YES!
I have a very strong belief in this concept. And the key that unlocks the magical repository of personal growth and development here is to acknowledge the learning. I told someone the other day (ok I tweeted it but it has similar significance I hope otherwise… wow I’ve thrown down a lot of characters for nuts) that a fresh new disaster is a rich opportunity to learn and grow but a tired old one just means you are not paying attention.
Fail? Yes. Acknowledge. Learn. Move on. That is what it takes to keep your failures from feasting on your soul.
-J
“Acknowledge the learning”. Click…that’s the key all right. Ignore it, step over it, around it and it will indeed feast on your soul.
Thank you so much for coming by…we speak the same language, you Metaphor Master, you!
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