It’s all relative
It’s easy for him, he has a trust fund.
It’s easy for her, she doesn’t have a newborn.
It’s easy for her, she has a massive Twitter following.
It’s easy for him, he’s backed by the industry’s SUPERSTAR.
It’s easy for him, he has the Midas touch.
It’s easy for her, she has a perfect body.
It’s easy for him, he has the perfect marriage.
No. It’s not.
That trust fund may come with strings that feel like shackles. That childlessness may come with deep sadness. That marriage may be shrouded in mistrust. That backing may come with a sense of unworthiness. That Twitter following may come with years of hard work and untold costs. That perfect body may come with self-loathing. That “charmed life” may come with alcohol or drugs or insomnia.
Or not. You just don’t know.
Many years ago, I was sitting at the dining room table with my parents, unsuccessfully sniffing back the tears precipitated by an unrequited crush on a boy whose name I’ve long forgotten. They invited me to clear every last injustice bruising my teenaged heart. I remember their eyes brimming with compassion and understanding. When my tears resolved to sobs, I turned my thoughts to them. These two holding my sadness lightly and lovingly. And within an instant, every last trial that they’ve endured in their lives, too many and personal to share here, flooded into my heart.
How can I be so selfish? How can I be so insensitive? The boy will be meaningless in a matter of days. THEY are the ones who have endured real pain. Real loss. Real sadness. Mine is hormonally-derived horseshit.
Which is what I said. To which, my father reached across the table and took my hand in his large and calloused fingers and said: “Kid? It’s all relative.”
Impossible to wrap my head around at the time, but it was his enduring truth.
It’s all relative.
Yes.
Pain is relative. Ease is relative.
When next you meet someone and find yourself reciting the “it’s easy for them” story, take pause.
You don’t know what their fight has been. What demons they’ve wrestled to show up. Which parts have been shut down so that others may thrive.
No. You don’t know. No one really does.
Try this:
With your big beautiful brain and massive capacity for creativity, imagine that another’s apparent ease has come at a price. Will you dare to hold them with your infinite supply of kindness, empathy and compassion, diffusing the stifling toxicity that makes you feel so small?
And then will you trek down to your heart and listen from there? What is it that you are coveting in their story? That desire, right there, is your destination. Set your course for it. Make it happen, in gratitude for the clarity.
Remembering that everything is relative can keep smallness in check and give you a big liberating perspective. It can help you create a new story. A better story. YOUR story.
++++++++++++++
PS – As of September 28th, I’ll no longer be offering free sample sessions for my coaching. So now would be the time to go ahead and book one, wouldn’t you say? Email me and off we go!
Pingback: The Gratitude Tarot cards revealed: Three of Community
This feels like the magic that starts to move us into who we want to be. I love your wand waving.
Your way with words always thrills me. Thank you.
Thanks I needed that! It truly s all relatve. Happy Monday to all .
Thrilled it landed. xo
Tanya, oh, I love this. LOVE. “Will you dare to hold them with your infinite supply of kindness, empathy and compassion, diffusing the stifling toxicity that makes you feel so small?”
Many thanks … I needed to hear this today!
Thank YOU, Lynn. So appreciate you being here. xo
Tanya,
I love this! I’ve been thinking a lot about empathy and compassion lately and the “it’s easy for them” story is a great example of how quickly and reflexively we can put up barriers to compassion. Giving that situation a label also makes it easier to recognize when we slide into that mode of thinking, giving us a chance to pause and open ourselves to the idea that there might be a larger story going on than just the one we can see.
I’m grateful to our dear Teresa for many things…one is for pointing me to you.
And yes, YES, you are right that identifying the label can be the genesis for shifts.
Thank you for stopping by.
Your Dad and Mom sound like really special people. Love what he said to you! And it’s true… we tend to only imagine the advantages we THINK other people have, rather than the full picture. Because the objective is to feel sorry for ourselves. And seeing the full picture would ruin that party. On the other hand, it could give us compassion and encouragement.
I’ll never forget listening to a friend complain for months about having to pay a few hundred dollars for some repairs on the condo her parents gave her for a graduation present. I wanted to kill her. But it taught me that money fear is all relative, too. And it gave me gratitude that I was given the spunk and skills to make my own way. We all have our own path. As you say, use it to create a better story that’s all ours!
Honey? You’re allllll spunk + skill.
Much, much love.
Yeeeesssss. We’ve all got our own challenges and perspective is REQUIRED to have good working relationships not just with others, but with our Self, too. Jealousy doesn’t do us any good (past the occasional spurt of hardcore motivation). Better to focus on our own game and just have compassion for others instead.
Nailed it.
XO
Dear Tanya – First time, commenter. Long time, admirer. This post was beautifully timed as I recently reflected on my own evolution and blessings. In the last 2 years, I have worked with about a hundred young social innovators from vastly differing cultures, countries and socio-economic backgrounds. For all of them – rich or poor, educated or not – there is pain and price that comes with their journey. Their universal truth is that they know they can make a difference – in their own lives and the lives of others. I so strongly believe that “perspective” is what gives us the freedom to determine our destiny. “What is it that you are coveting in their story? That desire, right there, is your destination. Set your course for it.” Exactly.
Happy Monday! ~Kristle
Oh, Kristie. I’m so glad you stepped up to say hello. I’ve just treated myself to a wander through your blog…what amazing things you are up to. And I love what you wrote here: I so strongly believe that “perspective” is what gives us the freedom to determine our destiny. Your values of freedom, empathy and contribution are palpable. In the words of Jack White: “I can tell that we are going to be friends”.
XO
Could you possibly be more brilliant or full of grace or kind or loving or wise? Beautiful, Tanya. Thank you.
Oh jeez. This made me a tad teary. You are such love. Thank you: for this + for it all. xo
makes me think of something abraham lincoln (i think) said: be kind. everyone’s fighting a battle.
Indeed!! And I went looking for the quote you mention (Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.) …who knew the source was up for debate? http://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/06/29/be-kind/
hi tanya
1st time here! this so graciously stated. thank you-it’s so important to hear. i’d like to add that the converse is also true. i often come across comments/judgements in the on-line world from people that have achieved a higher level of success; such as “if i can do it then you SHOULD be able to do it”, “are you just a wannabe?” that lincoln quote above sums it up perfectly. as do you, “No. You don’t know. No one really does.”
cheers from shana
YES! Thanks for that perspective. I have felt the frustration and sting in that energy myself. Comes back to a need to root into compassion.
XO
ssssooooo relevant! It’s true! There is so much judgement and so little consideration…… and so little of us “taking another look” at life. Thank you for this!
xo
Such a fantastic blog post. Thank you!
My “it’s easy for” them thoughts are really just excuses to not be my best self and achieve all I can achieve. Thanks for the reminder that we all have our own very individual and personal struggles and we all also have the ability to see each other through a filter of understanding, rather than jealousy or insecurity.
Yay!
“A filter of understanding”…I love that. Thank YOU!
I followed you here from Schmutzies Five-Star Fridays and I’m glad I did. What good & sage advice, which has the added benefit of being “relatively” simple: imagine others to be working as hard as we ourselves are to stay afloat, ahead, alive. And I appreciate the reminder that the locus of envy (the source of “they have it easy but I don’t” thinking), is also the locus of desire: work towards that thing instead of begrudging the person you think has whatever it is…
Welcome! I’m so glad you found your way here, and beyond glad that this landed with you. Come again, will you?
xo
Oh such an incredibly beautifully written post, so glad I stopped by today. Always an inspiring experience for me when I read your posts, Tanya. Thanks
Pingback: Body Image Boosters From The Blogosphere 9.8.12 | Weightless
Pingback: This week’s love list : 09.14.12 | Roots of She
Beautiful…Thank you Tanya….