Let’s begin with a very simple premise: If we can’t see ourselves as a person capable of doing the thing, we aren’t likely to do the thing.
We just aren’t.
Like I wrote in this article:
Oprah had to envision herself at the helm of her own network before it became a reality. Mel Robbins embraced her potential to host a groundbreaking podcast before it topped the charts. Malala Yousafzai saw herself as a catalyst for change before she was recognized as a Nobel Peace Prize laureate and a global advocate for education.
From business mogul to social justice warrior to pop culture icons, they had to see themselves as the person CAPABLE of their incredible feats first.
And of course, the moment we try to see ourselves in this upleveled version, the Imposter Complex will show up.
Who do you think you are, it will sneer.
The Imposter Complex (and here’s why I don’t say “Imposter Syndrome”) is dead set on three objectives:
Trying to keep you out of action.
Having you doubt your capacity.
And keeping you alone and isolated.
In response to the experience, we may try to protect ourselves by hiding out in certain (conditioned) behaviours: procrastination, diminishment, comparison, leaky boundaries, people-pleasing, and perfectionism.
We’ll diminish our vision of ourselves.
We’ll compare it to others’.
We’ll tell ourselves we can’t do the thing until we’ve done all the other things.
(You get the idea.)
And? We’ll make ourselves wrong for colluding with those behaviours.
Why wouldn’t we?
Everywhere we look, we’re told to “stop people-pleasing!”. “STOP comparing yourself to everyone else!”
As if it were that easy.
As if there wasn’t some deep conditioning.
As if there weren’t really excellent reasons for doing so…like safety. Like a trauma response.
The self-development space is a $44 billion industry (as of 2022 - source: Grandview Research). That’s a LOT of money riding on making people feel like shit about themselves.
So I want to do something different here.
Consider:
> What if those learned, conditioned and ingrained behaviours (i.e. the coping mechanisms) pointed towards something else…like our leadership edge?
> What if they illuminated a deep and abiding value that is beautiful and generative?
> What if they helped us to see ourselves in a more optimal (and congruent) light?
> What if they were clues to the ICONIC Identity I know we all hold?
I’d say that’s worthy of exploration.
If you haven’t yet done so, I highly recommend you take the ICONIC Identity quiz. And if it’s been a while, do it again.
(A note on this….we are never only one thing…and if you’ve taken the quiz more than once, you may have had different results. That tracks. 95% of the time, I am a Host. But the CEO shows up from time to time to…exactly when I need her.)
Already know your ICONIC Identity? Then let’s dive in.
The CEO: The High Standard Bearer
The CEO embodies excellence incarnate. Pure and simple.
If you have the ICONIC Identity of CEO, this means you have an extraordinarily strong value of impeccability and deeply yearn for proficiency in all matters that matter.
Just like Beyoncé and Steve Jobs, you operate at a very high level and hold yourself and your work to the highest of standards.
Which is fabulous...until it isn’t.
Because this desire for excellence can tip over into perfectionism quite easily. And perfectionism can be an exhausting tyrant.
Say you’re invited to speak at your industry’s national conference. Your natural and innate desire to do an excellent job and honour your hosts and the attending guests is serving you well. That professionalism is in fact what won you the invitation in the first place. But, on some level, you may feel like a fraud. And so, to prove your “worth” you dig in with over-preparing, refining, polishing, perfecting. You try to learn EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING) about the subject matter lest anyone find you out. It’s never enough. You may even consider canceling. You become anxious and exhausted and it’s all too much.
And in truth? You don’t feel like you’ll ever be able to do a good enough job. But you push through and finally get on that stage. You do a good job. A FINE job. But not a perfect job… How could you? A) There is no such thing. B) Your stressing and sweating and fretting was showing. You see the other speakers - they seem so calm, so poised. And then you think: a-HA! They are the real pros. Me? If I were a real pro I wouldn’t have had to work so damned hard to just pull off “fine”.
Exhausting, right?
This is why working with the CEO identity will be powerful for you.
CEOs ship even if they don’t feel 100% ready...they know they are READY ENOUGH.
CEOs know that perfectionism stifles creativity and innovation.
CEOs know that places of imperfection are brilliant opportunities to iterate and do better.
CEOs know they can’t go it alone and must get support (in fact, that’s why they hire the best and brightest for their organizations).
The Healer: The Generous Spirit
As The Healer, you are a study in generosity. You give what you have and your kindness and magnanimity make the world go round.
Like the ancient Roman Healer Fabiola, or the Mother Theresas and Princess Dianas of the world, you share your resources, your time, and your energy with care and thoughtfulness for the greatest good.
While it’s true that generous people have more to give, even more true is that resourced people have more to give. And so it’s important that you keep your own resources intact. If you don’t attend to your resources, you may find yourself resentful at best, and burnt out at worst.
Said more plainly: You have an abundance of resources...but not infinite. You have an abundance of capacity...but not infinite.
And this generous tendency to put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own can look a LOT like leaky boundaries,
Listen, generosity is a beautiful thing. And so are boundaries. And when we allow them to become leaky, we tend to do things out of obligation, we tend to overshare information about ourselves, and we tend to give greater weight to others’ opinions over our own. In short, it’s hard to tell where we end and someone else begins.
This is especially dangerous for coaches, service providers, and entrepreneurs, because it leads to co-dependent clients, scope creep, and resentment.
The good news is, by respecting your own boundaries, you also teach others to respect them. AND you embody a kind of integrity that is irresistibly magnetic, while creating the kind of impact you yearn to create in your business, vocation and leadership. And STILL be deeply generous.
You will need to remember:
To include yourself in your own circle of care.
That just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you must.
That sometimes you need to say NO so that your YESes have greater meaning.
By respecting your own boundaries, you also teach others to respect them. AND you embody a kind of integrity that is irresistibly magnetic.
The Host: The Ultimate Convener
You are The Host with the most…heart, that is.
You are deeply relational and gather people with ease and attend to their needs with style, and flare and care. People LOVE being around you...and why wouldn’t they? Your ICONIC identity is, by definition, a crowd-pleaser!
Just like Padma Lakshmi and RuPaul, you are a study in grace and inclusivity. Everyone is welcome at your table, you bring out the best in everyone and set them at ease. You know everyone’s preferred beverage and have an epic playlist that everyone will love.
But sometimes, you find yourself missing OUT on the party and the conversations yourself because you are stuck in the (metaphorical) kitchen serving out the hors d’oeuvres, and freshening up said drinks.
This tendency, when not attended to, can look a LOT like people-pleasing.
People-pleasing is about trying to smooth the way forward by making sure people like you and that you fit in and relate well with others. Not a bad thing per se, but when it goes unchecked, you can see how it has stopped you from carrying out your big and brave work in the world. And also maybe you can see all the places that you have stopped short of calling your team or clients forth.
It can keep you hustling for worthiness, can keep you from your best self, and can inhibit your ability to create the kind of impact you yearn to create in your business, vocation and leadership.
Because in the quest to be liked, you tend to forget that you are deserving of a seat at the table. It wasn’t just handed to you. And when they say you’ve done an amazing job? No. They’re not just being nice.
So don’t forget:
That your place is IN the party.
That they have come to see and be with YOU.
That YOU matter for who you are and not just for how you make people feel.
That caretaking is not your job.
And you most certainly must NOT water down your magic to make others more comfortable.
(I’m right about this...this has been MY area of growth for some time.)
The Maven: The Insightful Connector
As The Maven, you are deeply tuned into what’s going on around you and beyond.
You have a keen eye and sense of what’s what. You know the best people. You see and have the best ideas.
Think Oprah and her discerning eye and ability to connect the best of the best with the best of the best.
That’s you. The Seer. The Connector.
This tendency CAN mean that you might over-identify with what’s going on “out there”...and less with what’s in your own inner landscape.
It can also mean that in shadow, there might be some projection and judgment about others that keeps you from moving forward on what you say you want.
And you may find that you get stuck in a comparison loop that can be hard to extricate yourself from.
Comparison stems from your desire to discern how you are stacking up against others. In life, business...all of it. It’s not a problem per se...in fact comparison is a very important teacher, AND I suspect you can also see how it may be keeping you from swinging out and bringing your best work out into the world.
The trouble with the comparison habit is that you get stuck comparing your blooper reel with others’ highlight reels. It’s not fair to either of you – and it’s definitely not helping you to lead with the ICONIC Impact you are here to create.
So don’t forget:
Comparison is an important teacher...but so is your own inner knowing.
You ALSO have brilliant ideas and concepts that are worthy of being received.
How others have said or done a thing matters...but YOUR people want to hear and see the way YOU will say or do the thing.
Be reasonable and offer grace when you are comparing yourself to someone else. (Said another way: don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.)
The Sage: The Thoughtful Deliberator
As The Sage, discernment is your superpower.
When folks are busy barrelling forward, you use that power to vet context and you appreciate the intricacies of nuance.
You are thoughtful and deliberate and make excellent decisions borne of due diligence. And you invite us to do the same.
A gentle reminder: you have plenty of time to get everything done — but not all the time in the world.
Be wary that procrastination doesn’t derail you.
It’s an awful feeling that we dread experiencing being found out – isn’t it? The other shoe dropping. Being unmasked for the imposters we are certain that we are. And it’s just a matter of time before “they” find out. So… why tip our hands? Isn’t it better if we just lay low? Stay out of action? Keep researching, incanting, and doing our “due diligence”, right? Then no one can find out that we really aren’t as capable as they had imagined, right?
Except this: when you stay out of action, you deprive us of the gift you are and the gifts you have.
Imagine if Pema Chödrön and Maya Angelou tipped over into procrastination and didn’t ship their extraordinary bodies of work. Imagine them sitting on the gifts that they’ve been given in the name of on-going careful deliberation...and let’s face it: resistance.
Now imagine you may be doing the same.
Depriving us of the YOU that we need.
So don’t forget:
Do your due diligence, yes.
Vet context and allow for a deeper exploration of nuance, yes.
AND get into action.
The Visionary: The Bold Innovator
As The Visionary, your exquisite brain sees a magnificent future. And you help lead us forward. Towards the bigger picture. Towards what is possible. Towards the highest good for all.
You’re with the Barack Obamas and the changemakers, and innovators whose big brilliant ideas create a better world. Whether it’s in creating more access to social opportunities for communities in need or inspiring US to find, articulate, and reconnect with our own north star, even when we cannot clearly see the sky.
Whew. THANK you.
And for you, it may be an on-going struggle to keep showing up for your ideas. Your ideas...and yourself.
Perhaps you’ve been conditioned to believe that you shouldn’t take up too much space. Or that when you are proud of your ideas, it sounds like you’re boasting. That you aren’t humble enough.
And so you may tend to diminish your ideas...or don’t share them widely.
Diminishment is all about staying low, out of the spotlight, and even, dare I say it? Dimming your own light.
It might sound like humility, but diminishment and humility are not the same thing. You can be entirely humble and shine brightly. AND? I know that for some folks it truly hasn’t felt safe to shine.
But what I also know is, that over time, the more you diminish, the more you start to believe in the less-than-confident bio you’ve written about yourself. Or the more you stop believing in your world-changing ideas.
And if you’re a coach, Founder, or entrepreneur, diminishment may well be keeping you from helping the people who truly need what you have to offer. It may also have you undercharging.
So don’t forget:
Your power is in the sharing of your ideas.
Your job is to get out in front of the stage with those ideas.
It can be safe to shine.
You must not hoard your brilliance.
AND, you are to believe in your brilliant SELF as much as you believe in your brilliant world-changing ideas.
So whether you are a Sage that values discernment, the CEO who values excellence, the Sage who values discernment, the Host who values inclusivity, the Healer who values generosity, or the Maven who values connection, let’s take a hot second to pause and acknowledge those values.
In a world gone sideways, THESE are the attributes I’m looking for in the leader I am and the leader I aspire to be, and the leaders I look up to.
My hope is that when the Imposter Complex comes looking for you, knowing your ICONIC identity gives you your very own swift and decisive answer to the question “who do you think you are?”
Because now you know.
An ICON.
Pure and simple.
Want even more illumination on this? Apply for an ICONIC Spotlight session here.
